Radio Fortune Africa -Na Cantona Joseph

https://zeno.fm/radio/radio-fortune-africa

1. IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE, HOW COMMON IS IT FOR MEN TO RETURN TO HEIR FIRST WIVES AFTER HAVING LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS WITH SECOND WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS?

It is common, often because such men want to have it both ways, to have the wife they have been married to, and also the other woman or women. Sometimes also, after the excitement of the affair goes down, the man comes to his senses, especially as old age and responsibility creeps in, wanting the wife to just simply forgive and move on together. The challenge always is, will the wife take him back, and if she does, will the marriage be wholesome?

______________

2. WHAT ARE THE TYPICAL REASONS MEN GIVE FOR SUCH RECONCILIATIONS?

Some men say they went outside the marriage because the wife hurt them or wasn’t sexually engaged, many times the man doesn’t express his feelings and grievances but escapes by luring another woman. Other times the man blames alcohol, the devil, or stress for doing what he did and hence reconciliation should be done because there is always someone or something else to blame. Some give the children as the reason to reconcile, the societal status or the health of the parents as reasons to reconcile “You don’t want to give our parents high blood pressure”. Others, however, genuinely give love and commitment as the reason for reconciliation, “My wife, I let you down. I know I hurt you. If you let me, I would like to win back your trust and make us work. I want to love you better”

______________

3. WHY DO YOU THINK MEN SEEM TO HAVE MORE SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE WHEN THEY ABANDON ONE RELATIONSHIP FOR ANOTHER, ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT OF RECONCILING WITH THEIR FIRST WIVES?

In most cases, men will not tolerate cheating of any kind from their wife, but they want the wife to understand and easily forgive their cheating. If the wife cheats, the man will not tolerate it, and he will leave her with no room for reconciliation; but expect grace when it is the other way around. This stems out of ego, refusing to be accountable because he is the man, chauvinism, financial power where the man is the main or sole provider, and patriarchy, where the man has the say and the woman toes the line.

___________

4. HOW DO CULTURAL NORMS IN KENYA SHAPE THESE DOUBLE STANDARDS?

Much of today’s African culture gives men a pass for bad behaviour and tells the woman to tolerate his bad behaviour. Also, because the women of the older generation endured mistreatment from their husbands, today’s women are expected to do the same as they are told “Mwanamke ni kuvimilia” (“A woman is to tolerate”). Misinterpretation of Scripture has also been used to favour men where submission is used to suppress the woman’s voice and well-being and give men room to do whatever they want because he is the head.

_______________

5. WHAT EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL IMPACT DOES THIS KIND OF ABANDONMENT HAVE ON THE SECOND WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS?

The other woman, when she is left can develop feelings of rejection, not being worth it, or even feel that they were used and their time wasted, when the man opens his eyes and goes back to his wife. This can lead to bitterness, anger, abuse towards the man or his wife and even violence. This makes the woman lower her belief in love, especially if she had hoped for a long-term relationship. The other woman struggles to cope when suddenly the time, intimacy, dates and even financial benefits from the man suddenly ends. It gets more complicated when the man has a child or children from that extra relationship. The man might reject the child or children all together, financially support but be emotionally absent as a father, or do a terrible job trying to balance between his legitimate family and the parental expectations outside.

_____________

6. IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, HOW ARE WOMEN PERCEIVED DIFFERENTLY WHEN THEY LEAVE A MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP COMPARED TO MEN?

Women tend to be judged more harshly when they have more than one partner compared to men, they are judged more harshly when they have a higher body count. The woman is often called names such as “Loose”, “Prostitute”, “Rebellious”, “ungodly”, when she does this.

___________

7. HOW DOES PATRIARCHY MANIFEST IN THE DECISION-MAKING AND POWER DYNAMICS WITHIN THESE RELATIONSHIPS?

“Men are polygamous by nature”, “Men don’t have sex with emotions so they can have intercourse with anyone, and it doesn’t mean a thing”, “Boys are just boys”, these are some patriarchal phrases that give men a cover to indulge in extra relationships. What ends up happening is that the women who are the victims of the man’s misbehaviour, become hardened, resentful, schemers looking after their own interests, and in the end, the man who benefited from patriarchy, gets hurt by the long-term consequences.

___________

8. WHAT ADVICE DO YOU GIVE TO WOMEN WHO FEEL DISCARDED OR BETRAYED WHEN A MAN RETURNS TO HIS FIRST WIFE?

I can understand how much it hurts, because some of them genuinely were looking for love. It is best to come to a place of acceptance that you committed or entertained someone with unfinished business with his wife. If you and the married man were just playing games, accept that you were using each other. Release the man as he returns to his home. Don’t waste your next valuable years on revenge, bitterness and attacks. Put yourself in the shoes of the wife who was left, how would you have wanted your husband to treat you if it was you? It is important also to realize that the wife of the man is not the enemy, it is the man who caused all this. Forgive yourself. Protect your dignity. Love yourself. Make your own money so that you don’t have to cling on to the married man for financial security. If you have a child or children together, learn how to raise the child or children by yourself or with minimal support from the man, especially emotionally.

___________

9. WHAT DOES THIS DYNAMIC TELL US ABOUT EVOLVING GENDER ROLES IN KENYAN SOCIETY?

We need to recognize that culture and social norms are made by human beings, therefore, they can be good or bad and be improved upon. Let’s discard the social norms that favour one gender over the other and embrace practices that benefit both the man and the woman, on the principle of doing to each other what you would want done to you. As a man, if your desire is to be polygamous, state that to the woman you pursue before you marry her. Don’t marry a woman with the promise of monogamy and that it will only be her, then years into the marriage, you change and take in another woman or women and expect her to be OK with it. That is not what she signed up for. Have integrity in your pursuit.

All Rights Reserved © Cantona Group PLC||2024